Zombie under a social rock

It’s been a while, yeah my life runs like a bad public transport timtable…ridiculously organised and never on time. There’s been some highlights, New Lamb Of God aswell as buying tickets on saturday to go see them live with killswitch engage..thats a highlight and having Dee stay here for a few days, there’s another. As with everything though the roller-coaster must come into affect and there’s some shit inside my head that just needs to come out.. perhaps offer your opinions, i’m open to a suggestion believe me. So be patient and read through it all before you make some kind of assumption.

Lately i wake up and i don’t feel like i’ve woken, things just become a stream of blurs I go to work i do work i leave the building everything i jsut done remains a blur to me. I get home and i look for solace in just relaxing and getting away from shit…’just gimme 5 minutes alooooone!!’ (mmm pantera). The thing is though i don’t feel like im living this shit, maybe i’m going crazy or maybe it’s the excessive amounts of red licorice i’ve eaten but im dellusional to whats real and it’s bugging the fuck out of me.

I refuse to be a prisoner to my own subconcious mind and i won’t fight with my own head questioning what’s real and what’s not. I remember when i was in high-school i’d just drown away any thought of questioning myself and for the most part it worked but my life is back on track, atleast i think it is.. i have a great job, great people to work with a great person to share my daily musings with and i’m becoming more tolerable to people’s shit and becoming a better person using it as my stimulus.

For those who are more inclined to an example here it goes:

I went out to dinner with Dee and her friends a normal night you know.. share a few laughs drink a few beers play some pool and then sleep it off. After a perfect day in the city just browsing around it would of been awesome to just the cap the day off with.


The truth was i damn right loathed it, i didn’t tell you Dee and if you’re reading this then i apologise. All this conversation circled around me like a dust storm and the most i could do was smile at christians joke’s and make out like i was interested, while occassionaly staring off into the distance trying not to leap from the table and walk out. Truth was i wasn’t comfortable something about the whole thing just made me feel out of place and perhaps as protection or maybe not i went into zombie mode and just did shit autonomously not caring what the fuck i thought about it before hand.



So dinner went on and then it’s time to leave…or not, Seem’s Lisa thought her drink might mysteriously drink itself or something and due to her being on antibiotics she was already finding it hard to be coherent. Usually i tolerate drunkeness but for some reason i just couldn’t, she went on about quiting smoking and how it was so tough and blah blah blah..there i am sitting next to someone who proved it’s not as hard as it looks and she’s encouraging her to talk about how hard it is…wtf Dee, you are over the worse part you’re on the right path now stay on the fucker i know you won’t go back but ffs don’t agree with her shit.



I spoke up, in a snide kind of way which she probably saw right through. "how could u get pleasure/joy from someone blowing ciagrette at you..i mean you are trying to quit why torture yourself?" …my left foot frantically tapping the floor so as not to make a scene out of nothing.

So we go to the pool hall and then i endure more drunk talk about well..fuck all really and it’s laid on so thick that you feel like your sinking in it… must dinstance myself, said my inner concious thoughts. I tried…i felt more abbrassive than i already was, i didn’t wanna deal with Dee being pissed because i couldn’t cope and i sure as hell didn’t wanna see Lisa be offended by my abbrassiveness…so i tried, i sat on the floor beside Dee’s feet just imaging we were somewhere else. It lasted about 15minutes then i went back to my seat away from it all.

The truth is, it’s not Lisa’s drunkeness that made me feel uncomfortable it was my own mind. For the record - i don’t hate Lisa infact i think she has a great personality admitedly at times it’s very hard to escape and can come off a little bit too ‘in your face’ but she’s a nice person all the same.

i dunno what the hell is going on with me… have i been under a social rock? can i not interact with society anymore?