05 Jul
Letter to you.
Idon’t use this much but for some reason I feel compelled to write something…It needs to come out of me. No it MUST come out of me. I’ve felt this far too long and like tiny serrated blades it just cuts more violently with every motion forward and back.
Why don’t I feel the same? I’m ok, I’m calm I’m fine but when you’re not around me I’m anxious like a ticking bomb waiting to be disarmed or for the impeding explosion I wait like a slave to my own mind; cut the wire now before the timer stops.
Why is it I feel guilty for the path I now lead myself down when all you’ve ever done was stand in the way of everything. I didn’t chose for things to be this way it happened, we fell apart…What do you want me to do, waste my time and emotions on something I don’t want nor need anymore? You said you weren’t selfish, you said if things came to this stage you would try to understand but when I’m alone and feeling anxious you exploit me like a stolen credit card.
I can’t stand you anymore, you’re not you and I’m not him and I won’t be him anymore I wasn’t put on this earth to be your human play-thing and as sure as I am that I’m alive and breathing I’m positive…No I’m certain that I do not want you back and that I want to walk down away from the ocean of filth you made and never have to see you in the distance.
That’s what you told me after describing a thousand reasons why it wasn’t working between you both.
"I miss you"
You said in your usual alluring tone.
Then what are you doing with him?"
Was my response, which should never have been uttered to this day. I shouldn’t of cared, I should of turned my nose thinking you had issues and left you with him to rot…I tried, I didn’t want to care. Believe me.
You won that round and you made it set in my mind that you weren’t backing out so easily and perhaps that like glowing ambers waiting to be re-ignited by a gentle wisp of air, you were waiting. So I tried, god help me against all logic I gave you everything I could, I plunged head first into the waves of your mess with no plan except to save you and I filtered the sand from the sea just to keep you afloat and you just stood there flailing your arms about screaming for help but never attempting to swim for yourself.
I hate you for it. You get some notion and you’ve got to barge into my life and disturb my healing process…I told you once I didn’t like what you did and I questioned why but I never told you in these exact words ‘I hate you for it’ - there’s no exaggeration, don’t mistake me this time.
So taste your own bitter medicine, she makes me happy and unlike you we’re fine there’s no-one else I’d rather be walking down this path with, headed away from the shore with no map and no defined direction while you scream out to me and try to stay afloat. Fuck you. I now know how to swim.
These are all the words I should have said to you…
Filed Under: Rant
